I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Randomize
