wanna go halves on a baby?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
