Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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