my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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