if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
