Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
