There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We have so much sex to catch up on
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
