Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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