dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
