Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
