I swear she didn't look like that last week.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
