1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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