Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
