Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
