Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
