Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
