Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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