ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
