You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
