I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
