im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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