Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
