Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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