Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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