I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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