I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
sarcasm needs its own font
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
