apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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