I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
