Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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