I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
