I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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