nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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