So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
