I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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