So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
