The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
