he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
