This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
