If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He has the fingertips of a God
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
