i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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