you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
