Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
