I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
