its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
