i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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