Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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