don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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