hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
