I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
