Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
