New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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